The Meaning of Being Collared

Screen Shot 2018-05-07 at 2.07.12 AMSo Daddy brought up the topic today about what my collar means to me. In my view, that is a very complex question.  The quick answer is it represents our commitment to each other. It represents a whole plethora of things, actually. Right now, my mind is racing with so many meanings.

Wearing Daddy’s collar, can be looked at face value as a type of jewelry that shows I am taken. I am his possession, that he owns me in whatever way that is achieved. Much in the same way a wedding band shows that two people are “taken”. The difference is this is not at all legal, it’s “only” a written, or verbal contract between Dominant and Submissive/Slave. I used the quotes because it means so much more to me than any wedding vows or wedding ring.

Collaring a submissive/slave comes with responsibilities, many responsibilities. Not just of the submissive, but also of the dominant. We each enter this contract with a distinct set of responsibilities. The sheer act of collaring is very serious in my view. It’s not to be taken lightly, or frivolously.

As his submissive, it is my responsibility to pay attention to his needs, to keep him safe when he is on a destructive path, to always be truthful, to never set out to harm him for my own personal gain, to never try to embarrass him in any way, to be at his service in any way he deems fit for me. These things can only be accomplished by having trust in my Daddy. Trust that is hard to establish. Trust that is blind and rare. Trust that takes time to grow and to flourish. Trust that he will always keep my best interest at heart. That type of trust allows me to give of myself completely and unselfishly, knowing that my needs are always being looked at and acknowledged.

His responsibilities are many, as well. He is always mindful of my physical, emotional and mental well being. He is to protect me and keep me as safe from harm as he possibly can. He is to think if what he wants is not only good for him but good for me as well. That his intentions are always for the good of our bond, and strengthen our bond and never weaken it. He needs to be able to trust me in the same exact way I trust him. That I will always keep his best interest at heart as well.

This brings me to the emotional aspect of being collared. It is a giving of my heart to my Daddy. It opens my heart to hurt and pain and relies on that trust, that even if I gave him the tools to destroy me, he couldn’t or wouldn’t do that. That I may be a vulnerable as I have ever been in my life and have the complete knowledge that I am safe; that he would never tear my spirit or my heart to shreds. At the same time, I am responsible for making sure he feels safe opening his heart and he is allowed and even encouraged to be just a vulnerable. That is emotional well being is protected and nurtured. We are all people, we all have weaknesses and strengths. It is my job to bring out his strengths and strengthen his weaknesses in any way I can.

Having collared me means that if I hurt, he hurts and if he hurts, I hurt. He is always as aware of my feelings, as I am to be of his. Unfortunately, being humans and making our share of mistakes, we have hurt each other occasionally, but never purposefully. It is our responsibility to right our wrongs in any way we deem necessary. Shhh, don’t tell anyone but Dominants make mistakes, just as submissives do. A good dominant always thinks about his mistakes and tries hard not to repeat them, just as a good submissive does.

Collaring is serious business. It is binding two hearts together in a world where we toss things away when we no longer find a need for them. It is an understanding of safety. It is full of responsibility. Notice the word responsibility comes up continually. It renders the Dominant and submissive responsible for each other well being, and it is never to be taken lightly if they decide to remove the collar for whatever reason. I am never allowed to take it off without permission in which case (which is rare) I carry it with me. It is a physical reminder that I am Daddy’s, I am his submissive, I represent him even if no one knows that I am his submissive but especially if they know.

I can’t begin to express how I am honored to be daddy’s collared submissive. His heart is always safe with me, as mine is safe with him. We bring out the best in each other and never the worst. I love you, Daddy and I am yours. And you are my daddy.

My love, admiration, and devotion, always and forever,

Sugar

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What Do You Deserve?

So after reading some articles on Fetlife, I read one that was about what we deserve and what do your partners deserve. It got me to thinking about what I bring and what I require to be happy in my position with regards to my submission and my life, in general.

I need honesty. I need to feel loved for exactly who I am. I need affection and acceptance. I need to not be afraid, to feel protected. I need to feel that I am a good girl. I need to feel useful and that I have pleased you. I need to feel that I matter. That my happiness matters. That I am worth your time. That I am not an imposition. That I can be of value in your life. That if I were not in your life anymore, it would affect you. That you would feel a loss of some kind.

I think what I deserve is what I need. And what you deserve is what you need. That if my daddy needs a best friend and confidant that’s what I will give him. That I will provide an outlet for him, whether it be sexual, S/m inspired play, or just a listening ear. I am his and he will always provide my needs to me. That I accept him and he accepts me for exactly who we are.

If there is something either of us needs that hurts the other one, we communicate about it-decide if what we want is worth it. I deserve to always feel secure. Daddy deserves to also feel secure, to be able to trust his submissive and to know above all else I am consistent and predictable.

So in our dynamic, we all need to determine what is it we need and what we deserve. We are all worthy of love. I need to feel love. It’s something we need to feel. We are worthy of love.

Daddy, I love you. I try hard to see your needs and pay attention to your desires. You deserve to feel loved and to be able to trust me.

I love you, Daddy,❤️

Sugar.

Trials and Tribulations

I am an only child. So I really liked the idea of having a subbie sister. I wanted someone to share things with and to wanted them to share things with me. That we could be there for each other. My sister, Kitty has so many commitments between work and family we can’t seem to connect much. Well, someone from Daddy’s past came into his life and I embraced her with open arms. My heart hurts because I confided in her and she twisted the story to daddy. I got in a boat load of trouble. I explained but of course before I could duly explain, I inserted foot into mouth and took my head and stuck it up my ass. So I caused my own issues but none of these issues would have been a problem if my new (and now old) confidant had come to me about what she thought.

Okay it was my fault what I said. My fault that I vomited words that were not thought out. But nothing she said was my fault. I didn’t even say what she said to him. I take full responsibility for my actions. I don’t ever push it on anyone else.

Fast forward 2 days. Apparently, she is angry at me for causing her issues. Takes guts, but okay. I did my best not to go to my roots and snap and say the cruelest things to her. And I did pretty well. I did say I was amazed at her being upset with me and all I was looking for was an apology. I don’t want anything I wanted some remorse. Just an acknowledgement that I was wronged by her. What I got was a slap in the face. I now know she can’t be my sister, my confidant, my friend. She doesn’t understand the dynamic. She isn’t able to see how her actions affect us all.

So for now I will shut my big mouth, take some deep breaths, accept any consequences I receive, and know sometimes I’m just going to be alone with my thoughts and fears; I need to understand that fact.

Daddy and I are slowly righting ourselves, ridding me of any drama and both shaking our heads. I can’t imagine how I got in this dark hole. Oh wait, yes I can. I opened my mouth and inserted my foot.

I love you, daddy and I know that all things with us eventually right themselves. We’ve been through worse and been through better. I hope the sun comes out once again. I am truly sorry for anything I did that was disrespectful and distasteful. I never accept my own bad behavior and neither should you.

My heart is yours along with some feet in the my mouth.

Hugs and kisses,

Sugar

Feelings of the Heart (or Lack Of)

Screen Shot 2018-04-16 at 1.15.15 AMWhen I was a young teenager, I had a gorgeous male cousin, named Ralph. Now Ralph was the guy that all the girls wanted attention from and they flirted so much with him. He liked a lot of them and had his share of women. Problem for me was they used me to get to him. They would befriend me and call me and want to see me, just to have a chance to see him. It wasn’t immediately evident. I was young and outgoing, not as wise as I would grow to be. The problem for them was Ralph was gay, which is funny because he really was with more women sexually than most straight men. (In all actuality he was probably bisexual.)

Advance decades: I couldn’t quite put my finger on the odd feeling that women who try to join us gave me. Now I have. They have been using me to get to my daddy. I get that, I understand but it is the same creepy feeling I had years ago. He’s a remarkable and kind, handsome, loving man. Very desirable, but they don’t know him well. They think they do, but he’s more than what they think. MUCH MORE!

If I can equate what it’s like for Daddy and me, I will say it’s similar to a divorced single father. If you want my Daddy, you have to love me as well. Not superficially, not when it is convenient, not because you should or have to, because you do.

So I will have to stop my strong desire to please everyone, and focus on Daddy. I am backing off from them all. They are not truly interested in me as a love interest, just in me being a bridge to Daddy-Not much more than a paramour. Which is not what either of us want.

It will take them awhile to understand and to see that I’ve backed way off. That’s the telling part. It’s the part they won’t truly notice or care about.

Daddy, you are right that I am trying to please everyone. It is simply who I am. I am going to focus on you and me. And to help you in anyway I can. The rest will all work itself out.

Hugs and love and kisses,

Sugar

Body Images

Screen Shot 2018-04-06 at 2.43.59 AMLike most of us, I’ve been thinner, yet I’ve been much heavier. I don’t think I could say how no matter what my weight, I’ve never felt better than I do now. I’m older, my body is less firm. I don’t love what I see in the mirror, but you know what? When I see some flabby legs, or arms, I am reminded I used to be MUCH heavier, and above all, my body is working for me. I have legs that carry me and walk well, arms that can carry weight more now than before. When I used to barely be able to walk up a flight of stairs, I can now run them. I can lift more weight than I have ever been able to and can now do a 45 second to 1 minute, low plank. I can almost do push ups. I am not young, and I am now going to the gym a LOT, nearly every day and those days I don’t go I get 8,000-10,000 steps in my day.

Fitness is something I am doing so that I can stay healthy. My blood pressure was high, it is no longer high. I am (gulp) 63 and the only medicine I take on a daily basis, is an eye drop. Most people can’t fathom I am 63. Hell, I can’t fathom it either. I don’t know anyone my age who isn’t taking something. Is it good genes? Luck? I don’t actually think so, I believe it’s a combination of good genes, (being adopted I have no idea of birth parent’s health records) and a conscience effort to finally eat well and exercise. I never used to think I was worth-while enough to even bother. I have gone from a plus size 18 to a regular size 10. And not all 10s fit. Do I freak out and not buy something I love of it’s a 12? Nope. I buy the bigger size knowing that it’s just a size issue. I still love to eat, and it’s a still a struggle to eat well sometimes. I am a sugar-holic and that is never good for your body. Now I do indulge at times, but I am much more careful. My daily desserts of cookies, cake and ice cream have been substitute with low sugar protein bars (Kirkland brand at Costco has them) and fat free, sugar free frozen yogurt.

I have kept this weight off for about two and a half years now. I know that some of my motivation is my Dominant. He is worth me being my best, which may not be the best of anyone my age, yet it is the best I can be. He also encourages me to be my best-not for him, but for myself. He wants us both to be healthy, strong and most of all, happy. He does not punish me if I have a bad eating day, nor does he push me to do more and more. He does not like to micromanage at all, so he leaves my own personal well being up to me. But if I need him to help me, he will, with pleasure. I am loved, for who I am.

My body image is not always the best. It’s skewed at times, I still see a large woman in the mirror, and other times I can’t believe what I am looking is me.  I am always striving to be my best and as in most things in life, it’s a journey, not a destination. It’s not easy, I will be the first to admit that. Somethings on my body will never be gorgeous, but that’s  okay. Perfection is long since a fantasy that will never be achieved. I don’t have to be perfect for anyone, just the best I can be.

Thank you daddy for always loving me, regardless of what size I am or I am not. Thank you for your undying encouragement and support. Thank you for wanting me just as I am. And most of all thank you for simply being a caring, loving man; a man I can’t imagine being absent in my life. I strive each day to make you proud. I know that if I falter, it’s not going to make you less proud, but you know you just to have to help me understand my worth more. And I am sure you will do that, as you always have.

I love you for all you are and all you do for me.

My respect and devotion always,

Sugar

The Power of Kneeling

Screen Shot 2018-04-03 at 11.19.53 PMOften, life gets so very busy, and filled with pleasantries, too busy perhaps, too many days where you have no time to show your intimate behaviors. This is life. It’s always part of life. Daddy and I have gotten to see each other many times, but not for any significant play time for a while. Today, we finally had a few hours. We played with a new toy, a suede flogger that we hadn’t had the chance to use. It was wonderfully stingy and fun.

Daddy enjoyed the dom-space that playing with the flogger helped him achieve. I know that his sadistic streak was excited to say the least. Our power exchange is always evident, yet today it was absolute. Daddy had my submission. We had a wonderful time all of today, but the most incredible time for me was at the end. I had tried hard to be the model submissive, as I usually did when I see daddy. He smiled and we took some time to decompress our lives. The flogging was something both of us needed, a release of built up tensions. I won’t ever give you what I think Daddy felt, but I will say for me it was so enjoyable to have so many sensations running through my body.

Yet, what I enjoyed more than any thing else was something much, much, more simple. Daddy and I had finished playing and we put on our clothes and I was giving him a hug. He said very sternly, “Kneel for me, now.” I slowly, but obediently, slid down on my knees still hugging Daddy, now his legs, and suddenly, I was home. Home in my own skin, home in his dominance, home to be myself, home with him totally in control. I was able to give him my submission and it was freeing. More free than I have felt in a long time. It was an incredible bond that we shared. He told me what a good girl I was and how he was pleased at how I had served him. When you are a submissive that is like food for your soul. It’s the Academy Awards of Submission. It’s the Emmy’s Grammy’s and Golden Globes, all wrapped up into one. I was beaming. Daddy was too.

Soon after we left each other and went about our normal vanilla lives. I couldn’t get the smiles off my face all day. I felt accomplished and worthwhile in my submission. I was owned… I was his… I was grinning all day!

I love you, daddy. I am yours. Your obedient and loyal submissive. My heart and my submission are yours.

Always and forever,

Sugar

7 Ways to be Physically Affectionate…Aside From Sex

I read this and it reminded me that being physically intimate isn’t always about sex. It can be many things that have nothing to do with sex. And this author highlights some great ways!!! Enjoy the read! I surely did.

7 Ways to be Physically Affectionate…Aside From Sex

7 Ways to be Physically Affectionate…Aside From Sex
— Read on avasterlingauthor.com/2018/03/28/7-ways-to-be-physically-affectionateaside-from-sex/

“Broken” Submissives

We hear so much about submissives being broken. I know there are a variety of reasons we have been broken. Childhood issues, mental health issues, abuse issues, drug abuse issues, self-esteem issues, even all of the above. When we finally realize exactly who and what we are emotionally, sexually and mentally, it all becomes much clearer. Much like a frosted piece of glass that had been cleared. “Oh, I am a submissive, that’s why I am as I am.” I am actually strong. I am actually not as weak as I believed.

I used to believe there was something wrong with me that I was seriously mentally ill. I accepted all kinds of nonsense from people. I allowed them to use me, to hurt me, to direct me. Now, I’m not saying that part of my childhood isn’t to blame, or my abusive marital situation, but I believe that my core personality is that of a submissive. I needed to learn how to care for myself.

We need to understand why we respond the way we do in order to change it. I learned to have personal “rules” when meeting new men/Doms. I learned to give myself time to process my feelings. Sometimes, as long as 24 hours, sometimes 10 minutes, but I don’t always respond appropriately to things that hurt me. I act like things are fine and that I’m okay, but as the minutes, hours pass, I identify my hurt. Then I’m angry at who hurt me and at myself. I can lash out sometimes inappropriately, but I’m rarely wrong because before you hear a piece of my mind it has been gone over how maybe I could be wrong so many times, I’m 95% sure I’m not wrong.

All sounds so very simple, doesn’t it? Maybe, I’m a slow learner or I’m just that “broken” but it took me forever. It’s okay though, I learned. And I am stronger and much more assertive. I believe that my Daddy helped me tremendously and so did my therapist. Also, setting my own personal rules helped.

Daddy doesn’t see me as broken really. He doesn’t know the totally broken side I had. I’m glad, too. He has enough issues in his life than to fix me. I, also, would become one of the many he helps. I wouldn’t be quite as unique to him. I cherish my uniqueness in his world. He’s always there for me, just as I am for him.

So if you feel broken, you keep getting yourself into bad places, you have allowed anyone to make you feel less than worthy, I would try some hard introspection. Figure out why, take some steps to set up rules for yourself, become the best person you can be. Go to therapy a little. Set boundaries with pushy people. Yes, I know it’s very, very hard to do that. Yes, I still have some issues with that. I’m far from perfect, but I’m not broken anymore.

I have needs and yes, sometimes I can be needy. But I have lots of interests and some very good friends, as well. I don’t need to get every single need met by my Daddy. And he cherishes that. I can tell. It makes me quite different. Because I’m not broken, (maybe only bent) I can help him. I can be strength when he needs it. I can allow him space when he needs it as well.

All in all, fixing myself has made my unique bond with my Daddy possible. It has made our dynamic cold-forged steel strong. It has given both of us the ability to communicate at a deeper level. And when in doubt of anything, I simply ask him, or he tells me if he sees me going off the rails.

I have finally gotten who I deserved and so has he. The loving, nurturing, man and woman we needed complete with CRACK -Compassion, Respect, Affection, Caring, Kindness. That is the best drug of all!

I love you, Daddy with all my heart. I am yours,

Sugar

Submission vs Doormat

Screen Shot 2018-03-14 at 2.06.25 AMIt seems that often people mistakenly think that if a person is submissive, they must be a doormat. Obviously, this is not true, but not entirely impossible either. We tend to be people-pleasers, as a general rule. In reality, this is something that many submissives need to work on not becoming that cliche. It’s not easy, given our way innate need to please. We generally have a strong urge to make people happy. These people may or may not be worthy of our time or efforts. How on earth can we distinguish who is worthy of these efforts?

One way to look at it is, look at the other person’s actions. Are they takers or do you mean enough to them to have them give of themselves? Do you feel that what you have done for that person is truly appreciated? Are they grateful? Do you feel that if you didn’t do those things for them, would they still be there for you?

In other words, do you feel good about yourself? Does it enhance your life or do you feel badly about yourself after you do things for them? Talk to your closest friends about it. Do they think you are being used? Why or why not?

In my personal case, I look to my Daddy to help me distinguish between people who are worthy and people who are taking advantage of me. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, and if after a few times I see that their actions  do not match their words, I know I need to assess. I ask Daddy and get his opinion. (just to be sure) The more I get reinforcement that I am correct in my assumptions, the more I realize I have that power.

You often know when you’re being a pawn, you feel it deep inside. Your intuition shows you, it’s like someone waving a huge red flag. You see it, but often we ignore it, as if it’s really not Your red flag. You are allowed, as a submissive, to say no to people. You can say to yourself, I’ve had enough. And then tell the person “I can’t really do that for you. I’m sorry. ” and you will live. Nothing will fall down, the world won’t stop. Life will go on. You may even have to practice saying no. And that’s okay too. Practice makes it easier to do.

It is truly up to our own selves to protect ourselves from being a doormat. We can feel it deep inside. It feels bad, feels sadly familiar, and feels like the person had no right to even ask you. When that happens, politely but firmly,  just say no. You will fight with the bad feeling you may experience, but it will pass and you will then be left with a feeling of empowerment, and self esteem.

These are some of the things that Daddy has taught me and instilled in me.

Thank you Daddy, I am quite lucky to have such a caring Dominant.

I love you,

Sugar

What Exactly Is Topping From The Bottom?

The phrase is use a lot. Doms love throwing it around. Subs think they never do it. What the hell is it? I’ve looked for a definition I agree with and most are simply about a “scene” in which a sub tells a Dom exactly how they want things done to them.

Now that definition works fine if the D/s relationship is simply a top/bottom bedroom one, but for my relationship with Daddy doesn’t work at all. Why? Because the sexual part of our relationship is probably the least important part. So if I ask for something, it’s just that a request, not a command. So if I appear to top from the bottom, it distresses me to think of that as something I’ve done terribly wrong. In my own personal definition, topping from the bottom isn’t guiding. It’s demanding and/or leading for the purpose of personal gain.

So officially, I am saying this as my definition: Topping from the bottom is the coercing of a Dominant to do something specifically for or to the submissive, in order for the submissive’s gain of power and/or advancement.

Meaning if it only improves the quality of life of the submissive and doesn’t improve the dominant’s life, it is topping from the bottom. If however, the submissive is guiding the Dominant’s behavior to improve his own life, she is doing the job of the submissive to care for and help her Dominant in any way she can. She is only trying to guide the Dominant, so as to not allow the dominant to fail at taking his own mental, physical and emotional needs into account.

This may be up for debate on what his needs actually are, but that is to be negotiated as to what they are and how she can best provide that without upsetting the exchange of power.

Kayla Lord in her Loving BDSM podcast, “Adding a Tough Love Clause to a Ds Relationship”, describes it as when the sub has to respectfully communicate with the dominant to what she believes he needs to do to care for his needs. (Key word being respectfully) He may not be in the frame of mind to heed such a message or not realize he needed one, but it is important to have such a clause. Sometimes we just can’t see the forest for the trees. Even the biggest, baddest, most fierce Dom, needs a warrior submissive to help him at times. Hence, the tough love clause is perfect. This Falls perfectly in line with my own personal definition of it’s not topping from the bottom if it is in the best interest of the dominant.

So Daddy whenever I appear to be Topping from the Bottom, please ask yourself, Is this an act that will only benefit my own wants or needs, or is it something I have done with your best interest at heart with a tough love clause in my hand? Smile. We all don’t like being the “bossy” sub, but we need to take care of the Dominant who needs to be cared for properly.

My heart is yours sir and it is my job to make sure you’re properly cared for by everyone, even yourself.

Love you, always and forever,

Sugar