I was given the task of answering the question “What is a submissive?” I thought for a minute and said now how on earth do I answer that? LOL I thought, surely I have answered that somewhere in the last few years on this Blog? Surely, I have something that will give a definitive answer to that? Ummm… no I have come close, but no cigar! I know that people don’t define submissives well. I know that most think if you’re kinky in the bedroom, “Oh, you must be a submissive!” I know that there is a continuum in submission as there is in all aspects in life. Well, I did find I wrote about submission and some types I believe are the 3 basic skeletal outlines I list below.
1. The bedroom submissive: a bedroom submissive is one who is very dominant and normal in all areas of her life, yet in the bedroom will submit and enjoys the endorphin rush. A bedroom submissive gives up control in the bedroom only.
2. The Psychological Submissive: This type of submissive is always submissive. She doesn’t need sexual acts or the bedroom to submit. She is submissive even to people who are not her dominant. She generally does much better with a dominant who can guide her and lead her in life.
3. The Submissive with a Slave Heart: A slave submissive surrenders all of her control to a dominant Master. She gives up all of her choices in life to them. She may or may not have limits but will always follow what her dominant demands. A good dominant will always respect those limits, even with the slave submissive.
I look at those types of submissives, I tend to fall in the Psychological Submissive. I follow orders to the best of my ability and I feel grounded and safe with a good dominant leading me. So many women fall in either the bedroom submissive or the few who have a slave heart. I always believe we fall in a continuum, as in most areas of life. There are no concrete lines and often we change due to our dominant or life itself. I have found a dominant I can not only trust but respect and admire. I am calm, safe, relaxed and can be the best person I can be.
To me submissives are empatethic to a fault, we feel things others can not. We see past the BS of life into the heart of the person. We can sometimes actually feel that person. We can feel their pain, their joy, their sadness, their happiness. It is not something I would wish on anyone. We are also prone to needing to please. We want those in our lives to be happy. We want to make them smile and feel wonderful. A “good girl” from daddy will make me so pleased. It makes my whole day. I am not unusual, I know. It’s a standard submissive trait. I need to protect as well. I need to be sure those I love are safe, as much as I need to look to others to protect me. I am an easy target at times.
I also believe a submissive is born not trained. It’s like an Olympic Skier, you can only train someone so far, if there isn’t the underlying raw talent, you’re just not getting an Olympic Gold Medal! If you ask me how long I’ve been submissive, I’ve been submissive all my life. It’s like asking me how long I have had green eyes. I’ve always been this way. Now if you ask me how long I have had kinky sex? That I can give you a timeline on, but that isn’t what makes me submissive at all. I am submissive without the kinky sex or the Dominant man in my life. I have always been the motherly type, long before I was an actual mother as well.
There is a great article on what a submissive child feels and looks like as a child by Dr. Yaldah Tovah. http://www.sandm.com/advice/the-healthy-female-submissive. The article was an eye opener for me. It made perfect sense in that I have always felt different. It states that submissive women start out as babies being more set to social cues, and easier to raise as toddlers. They need to please. It goes on to state that as they grow the submissive girl tends to be more empathetic than the average girl. Submissive girls are more in tune to people and can often find issues and tend to want to fix them.
Dr. Tovah lists the traits of a healthy submissive woman below. I happen to agree with them.
1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years.
2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself because her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others.
3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship.
4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. She is at ease in that place.
5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is reactive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others.
6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her to adapt to changing circumstances.
7. The healthy submissive is playful.
8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about her body, and its goodness and beauty.
9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments.
10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her culture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent “wrongness” about those needs.
11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.
12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself “as is” is tolerant of others. But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be.
13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficulties as well as her strengths.
14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service.
I have been an unhealthy submissive, I have grown in the last few years into being much more healthy. I have had some help with that, Daddy is a wonderful man who has helped me identify areas in my personality that are unique. I had a therapist who make me know I am not insane and assured me that I am more in tune to my own inner child and nurturing qualities than most people and that’s healthy. I have read many many articles on what being in a D/s relationship should look like and that has helped me, although, each one is different there are similarities in all. Trust, Love and Communication, all need to be present. TLC is a good way to remember that, without TLC there can be no healthy D/s relationship.
I have lived most of my life not understanding my unique personality and having men and others take advantage of my kindness and special submissive qualities. I currently finally feel free. I am being cared for, nurtured, and I finally feel safe. I know that there is no one in the world who is allowed to hurt me. My heart is free from worry and fear. I have found someone who is worthy of my protection as well. I know that I am a protector, as well as needing protecting. I hope other submissives can relate to this entry. I spent a lot of time not understanding why I was this way. I finally have the answers I always so badly desired.
Thank you, Daddy for always being there for me and for allowing me to grow and learn and flourish in my submission and strength. I love you!
Always and Forever,
All opinions here are my own personal opinions and ones I have researched. You may agree or disagree- feel free!