(Before I write this, I must say this, I have not ever been sexually abused as a child. There was nothing sexual in my childhood. NOTHING. I was 17 before I had sex and it was with a serious boyfriend.)
When I was no more than a four year old little girl, long before there was a sexual need, or knowledge of submission or dominance, there was a strong desire to please. Please a group of children, to please my mom, to please my dad. I also wanted there to be peace and harmony to everyone. I wanted everyone happy. I have severe empathetic ways (aka Empath) and have always had them. I would search the room for how everyone felt. Were mom and dad happy? Did I need to do something to make them happy? I would help my mom cross the street, I would bake (flour and sugar) cookies for my dad. My mom used to call me mother, because I would do all these things for her. These are my earliest memories. I can remember being a target for bullies, my empathetic ways were confused. Why would anyone want to hurt me? Why were they angry at me? I would cry and think how can I make them happy. I would try hard to be in their shoes. Did they have a bad day? Were they in pain? I thought everyone thought this way. (I must have been 45 before I realized that people didn’t think like that.)
While I was a child I would go to the movies to see shows like all kids did, I remember being about 7 or 8 and seeing the Jason and the Argonauts series. (sigh I am that old) and the damsels in distress made me feel “funny.” Not really sexually funny, just a strange feeling that I needed to be her. That I would give anything to be tied and “rescued.” I didn’t think much of it being seven. Didn’t everyone want that?
Fast forward to the teen age years, I didn’t know how to respond to boys. I wasn’t a particularly pretty girl, I looked way younger than my years, (something I came to love as an adult!) and a band geek! I found a lovey, wonderful boyfriend who brought out the best in me. We will call him Mikey, Mikey was perfect. I trusted him with every fiber in my being. This allowed me to please and to be respected in return. Still no thought or knowledge of submission or submissive ways, yet it was there. I was always trying to please.
When I began to get into trouble was in my young adult years, boys would take advantage of me. I never understood how to say “no” like normal people. I was date raped(long story but suffice to say it was fuck or be left in a dark country road with no cell phones available at 3 am.) , I would do dangerous things, go home with people I didn’t know. I simply couldn’t distinguish how to not please someone. So if I met a guy and he said let’s take a walk, I always thought he meant take a walk! It often turned out badly, I would wind up not knowing how to handle the situation. I could list an awful lot of screw ups. A lot of times I had been taken advantage of. Finally that stopped when I met the husband. Or so I thought.
I finished college and got married. Yeah No more being taken advantage of!!! Thank God. I loved this man so much. He was bright and promised to take care of me. Exactly what I needed. Problem was he was not a dominant man. He was a domineering man. I was beaten, mentally and physically abused. I was a fat, worthless, lazy whore. I still had no idea of submission. I would fight back and thought i wasn’t being abused. By then I had children, I didn’t want them to grow up without a father. I was alone, I was scared, and embarrassed. Still trying to please, it was never enough. We went to therapy, things would get better, for a little.
Along came the internet. I started joining some groups on AOL (remember those things) and some were BDSM related. As I learned more and more, it all made sense. I was submissive. That’s why I did things that were not good for me. It’s why I said yes, when I should have said no. It’s why I was still being in an abusive marriage. It all made perfect sense. So what did I do? I started making rules for myself. No putting myself in bad situations in the first place. My marriage became less of an issue but we were not very close. My need to submit became overwhelming and I hunted for a dominant man. I found a fairly decent man who I thought would be understanding of a novice. He was. He just didn’t have the mental and emotional connection I needed but at least he wasn’t abusive.
There were more of the same dominant men in my life for the next 10 years. I was hurt emotionally several times. At least I wasn’t physically abused, I thought. Along came Daddy. We met at a bar and I had all of my “rules” in place by then. I was strong now! So strong Daddy was quite sure I was a 50 shades reading, older woman who thought it would be hot to be spanked, submissive. It turned out we grew very slowly. Being the empath I am, I knew he was “safe.” The rest is blogged here.
I always knew I was different, but it took me a long, long time to distinguish how I was different, and how to handle my differences. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. I have grown exponentially these days. I am stronger, wiser, more in control, yet my need to please and submit is alive and well. I now have dominance in my life, not domineering. I have arrived.