Sometimes, I have a lot of trouble understanding how people can love me. I’m not pretty, I’m average. I’m chubby, short and getting old. I’m often needy, scared and have a pension for sudden out-bursts. I am too emotional, I over think, I project my insecurities, and I think sometimes things that are self-destructive. Yet, I am very loved.
Daddy and Kitty love me for who I am. It’s a struggle to understand what they see in me. My insecurities and fears are more my enemy than anything else in my life. They cause doubts and pain. Unnecessary ones. Totally, unnecessary ones. Self-destructive ones. What is it I am afraid of? Am I so used to feeling less than desirable, less than good enough, I can’t accept it when others see me with a bright light? Is my dark side so dark inside of me that it is blocking out my inner light but only to my own eyes? The cliche “I’m my own worst enemy” is so true. I need to banish it from my life.
It has to stop. I need to accept myself, before anyone else can do it. I can not allow anyone to hurt me, especially me! I have an amazing support system and I need to rely on them instead of going inside of my head, instead of accepting the negative voices in my head. I need to rely on my Daddy, my sister. They have powers to calm and encourage me. Old habits die hard. I won’t and can’t allow those habits to hurt me any more. From this day forward, I will go to them, talk with them. And understand that yes, I am lovable. I am worthy of accepting and keeping love. If I can’t accept that I don’t deserve to be kind or loving to anyone. I need to love me, so that they can too, so I don’t disappoint them or myself.
I love you Daddy and Kitty, I’m sorry I haven’t loved me. You both deserve someone who is secure and confident.You deserve better than what I’ve given you. You need to see the best me- one that we all can love. It’s gonna change. I promise.