When you look at unconditional love, I think it’s easiest to first describe what it is not. It is not accepting any type of behavior from someone you love, it is not accepting abusive actions and words from someone you love, it is not allowing someone to use you, and take advantage of you. So if you are in a relationship where this happens, and you use the excuse of ” I love them unconditionally, no matter what they do to me” you are not loving them unconditionally. You are accepting abuse. You are not loving yourself, you are telling yourself you are not worthy of love and affection. You are worthy of little. Your inner voice tells you that people deserve to treat you with a lack of respect, a lack of caring, a lack of compassion. You do not believe anyone who tells you, you are lovable.
It is also not unconditional love when people love us for doing what they want us to do. According to Lisa Pool, a life coach, “Under those conditions we’re just “paying” for love in a way (or literally in some cases) with what we do to get that attention. We can be certain that we’re receiving unconditional love only when we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to do what other people want, and even when we get in their way, but they don’t feel disappointed or irritated with us. When we make a seemingly poor choice about our lives, take a wrong turn, undo or sabotage our own happiness… its unconditional love that keeps them right there, not judging or punishing but loving without conditions. It’s that love alone that has the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships quite beyond our present capacity to imagine.”
Unconditional love is so much different than abuse. It is the epitome of both self-love and love of another human being who is worthy of your love. It is making sure they are emotionally and mentally stable enough to love you as well. It is loving them not regardless of what they do to you, but rather loving them no matter what happens to you as a couple. If they lose their job, you continue to love and support them. If they spill red wine on a new carpet, it is the ability to forgive them for being clumsy and laughing about it. It is the ability to try to make them happy with a token of love, it is being there for them when they need you the most. In unconditional loving, not only you,but your loved one, should respond appropriately to you at all times.
First, you need to love yourself unconditionally in order to be able to give another person what they need from you. Loving unconditionally is the act of giving to someone what they need and expecting nothing in return. To be there for that person, when they need you the most. It does not mean however, that you should give until you are left as an empty shell. It means you have taken care of your needs and have prioritized your needs and desires above anyone else’s. That may seem counter intuitive but it will ensure you are not simply becoming a “people pleaser.” It is that act that allows us to remain healthy and stable in the relationship. What good is a person who loves you “unconditionally” if they can not take care of their own needs and desires? They will be empty sooner rather than later and you can not rely on their strength to help you with anything.
Unconditional love helps both people grow and flourish. It allows them to be watered, nurtured, and to feel the act of love. For make no mistake, LOVE is an ACT. It is not simply an emotion. It’s the act of caring and loving a person within the healthy boundaries of a relationship. It is not a love bottle pouring and pouring without getting refilled by their loved one, it is characterized by acts of love that ‘feed’ the mind, the body and the soul.
I am extremely grateful and thankful to my Daddy for loving me unconditionally. For enjoying my face lighting up when he does such sweet things for me. For evoking emotions in me that are often hard for me to express. I see unconditional acts of love in him daily. A text, a phone call, an invitation to meet for tea, all the way to gifts that I cherish because they remind me daily I am lovable. I am desired, I am needed and wanted. He talks to me about issues or insecurities and doesn’t judge or scold (well not usually scolding) but leading and nurturing. THAT is unconditional love THAT is how I know and see his love. I also help him in all those ways. I care and nurture and have opened his eyes to situations which needed clarity.
All in all, it is rare that people love unconditionally. That type of love is truly a higher love (called agape in the Bible,) comprised of loving yourself, and loving another enough to make sure all of their own needs and desires are met, as well as their partners. I have found that love and so has Daddy. It’s a beautiful thing to see and feel. Scary as hell, but simply beautiful. It speaks to the Dominant/Submissive bond that is so very hard to describe. It speaks to the Daddy/little bond perfectly. No one in my life has loved me so unselfishly and I believe he would say the same thing.
I love you Daddy, you have made my inner flowers bloom, and I see all of your beautiful garden.
Yours, always and forever,