Trust me, I’ve said a million times I wouldn’t make this choice to be submissive. I mean that, too. I hate that sinking feeling when you can’t stand how pathetic you feel because someone rejected you or you couldn’t make someone happy. But those aren’t my topics today. Today, I will let you in on a secret. I can’t stay mad. Sounds innocent enough, right? Almost sounds sweet, kind, loving, something to strive for, perhaps? It is not!
What happens is this; I get very angry and hurt and cry and feel like such a failure and a bad person. I know I need to move away from that person. And I am determined to do that. It is definitely set in my mind. I am done trying with that person. Finished. It’s a good thing. It stops toxicity in my life. Stops the emotional roller coaster, stops the pain. (Are you with me so far?) All good. The pain stopped, toxic people cut out. Life goes on.
Except this happens: the toxic person is nice. They are sweet, not even remorseful, but nice enough. And poof,s all of the anger, pain, and hurt goes away. I question why I felt so badly in the first place. And faster than a tire change, they are back in my life. I have forgiven them. I am happy and all of the anger and pain is gone. Sounds great still right? It’s far from it. These are exactly the abusive, narcissistic people that I, as a submissive woman, need to stay away from in my life. I don’t stay away from them, in an almost childlike innocence, not only forgive but nearly erase all the anger, pain and hurt. And I push the reset button. Poof, you get another chance, one to be the person I need you to be, but more than likely, one more chance to hurt me all over again. This makes me feel very ambiguous, one part of me is thrilled you are happy and nice to me, the other part of me feels stupid, embarrassed and humiliated that I allowed you to come back and you don’t truly deserve it.
So in the grand scheme of things I dislike about being submissive, that ranks high on my list as one of the things I dislike the most. It seems to have something to do with my little because she is the most forgiving sweet thing or the angriest little demon. She is far from perfect and far from the ideal little And yet, daddy loves her regardless, (which says a lot about him.)
I love you, daddy,
Yours, Always and Forever,