I am an older submissive. I began my introspective journey late in my life. I was about 42 when I started. I never considered it as play, almost ever. I realized in the beginning, before there was a dominant, before I had actually met anyone real time that me being a submissive explained a lot of what I conceived to be odd behaviors. Now I am more at home in this role, probably more so than ever, it is evident to me I am getting older. It’s never easy aging, period, let alone aging with a little inside of you and being a submissive who is always trying to please.
I find that I’m finally trying to develop a balance of adult and little. Not always easy. I always knew I had a happy little, it’s only recently I realized I had an angry, sad, insecure one, as well. Daddy figured out that when I have my strongest emotions those are the times she is the most present. Those are sometimes my trying times, as well. Fearful, and anxious 12 year olds aren’t fun to be around as we have discussed in other blog entries.
One of the hardest things I’ve found is an identity crisis. When you feel 12 but look your age, you look and it’s always like looking at another person in the mirror. Who is that old lady? We all, regardless of submission or Littles, think similarly I believe. It’s a cruel prank on mankind to age, but it’s alway rewarding. We all don’t get to be old. Some of us are robbed of that right, so I try to embrace it as much as possible. My motto is “I’m going out kicking and screaming.” If you know me, you know that’s true.
I am growing old as gracefully as possible, and I’m also growing in my submission and my service. I look for ways to help those in need, yet try not to push my thoughts and feelings and ideals into the people I’m helping. It’s a delicate balance and one I’m working on trying to perfect. I welcome any comments and ideas on how to become better and more graceful. It’s a fragile balancing act to not become a stereotype of someone who is “trying too hard” to be something or an age they are not.
Daddy helps me with that balance and quite enjoys my silly little. The anxious fearful one, not quite so much. (Smile) I am blessed to have found that remarkable man who not only adores who I am in totality but can nurture and encourage the pain in the ass child as well.
I love you daddy,
Yours, always and forever,