Mean vs. Abuse

fullsizeoutput_2c2eWe have all met mean people. Some of us LIVE with mean people. We see them at work and we see them in our homes, we grew up with them. Some mean people are truly abusive. I believe abuse is simply a continuation of mean. If on a meanness scale of 1-10 mean may be 4-6, abuse is a 7-10. Mean doesn’t always make you feel bad about yourself. It doesn’t always hurt you, it stings perhaps, but it’s not an actual pain. Mean may be a grumpy person. Mean may be someone who always has to take that last cookie. They may give snippy answers. They may be miserable people. They like giving you grief over the smallest things. ” Oh, you didn’t clean up the kitchen again?” type of things. They are simply pains in the asses. You don’t like being around them much because they are whining and snippy. Abusive people, on the other hand, are toxic.

Abuse is different than mean, in my opinion. Abuse goes for the juggler. It makes you feel embarrassed, foolish, and less of a person than you were 10 minutes ago. Abuse calls you names. Abuse makes you feel you don’t have a right to be alive. Abuse makes you wish you were dead. Abuse makes you want to do anything to not be with that person. It demands things, it blackmails you, it has statements like “If you loved me, you would… ” It calls you unthinkable names. It does anything and everything in its power to make you feel less of a person and help them, in turn, feel more of a person and in control of you. Abuse wants to control. It wants to see you do anything and everything they want, when they want it and how they want it. You are to do as they say, NOW!

Physically and mentally abusive people blame you. They blame you for making them hit you, making them be the bad guy.  If you didn’t_______, I would not have had to _______. Abuse is ugly. The worst kind of abusive is the one who somehow makes you think it’s really your fault they can’t be happy with you. They take your words and twist them into something you don’t recognize. Example, you say at dinner, “Pass the salt please.” Immediately, they say something horrible to you. Could be “Oh you’re such an asshole for not liking my food the way it is. ” Could be ” As fat as you are, you shouldn’t be using salt at all!” Could be even gentler, ” Did I not season your food correctly, Your Highness?” That is abuse. It knows no gender, no age, and no color, or no religion.

Abusive people are master manipulators. They take what they know to be your weak points and make them into your arrows. Personal arrows you sharpen yourself to allow them to strike you. They learn your frailties. They are cruel and evil. They use them against you. They call you names repeatedly, stupid, lazy, ugly, fat, cunt, asshole, worthless, or whore, bastard. I could go on and on. You know what they are. You’ve heard them and maybe heard yourself internally think them about yourself. You consciously know, you’re not that word but oh, hear it enough times, you begin to internalize it and know it. Daddy described it to me as you shake it off, but a tiny piece stays in your heart. Soon your heart is filled with tiny pieces of abuse. I like to use to old paper analogy, a pretty all white piece of paper gets crinkled up. It is never the same. Never. you can iron it, smooth it, it never goes back to being that pristine piece of paper.

I can be a very blunt person. I can say it like it is and blurt out the truth faster than most. I don’t mean to be cruel or mean, but it may seem that way. The difference between that  and an abuser is that honesty, even the tough stuff, makes you feel clearer and stronger, while abusive “meanness leaves you mired in shame, despair, and frailty. I rarely get accused of abuse.” Example: A very close friend is always making a group of us wait for her. We have gone out and have always had to wait for her, not 5 minutes, an hour or two. I finally had more than enough and blurted out, “You believe your time is more valuable than our time.” The others agreed and she cried but it wasn’t abusive it was blunt. “You’ll learn that the truth, no matter how hard, always strengthens you more than a lie, no matter how nice.”

Abuse makes you want to cower, to hide and to lie, to avoid the abusive repercussions. It tears down your being and the fiber of who you are. It makes you numb, unable to love and to grow. It keeps you stagnant. I want to grow and flourish, I want to be the best me I can be. I need to avoid the abusers in my life and allow my daddy to water me daily and feed me often.

I have been abused. I have been the recipient of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. I have been at the hands of mean people as well. I have been fortunate enough to have a daddy who doesn’t abuse and only lifts me and my spirit to a higher level. He gives me strength. He makes me a better person, even a softer kinder person. He’s sometimes tougher on me than anyone else in his life. I am held to a higher standard. I am his prodigy. I am proud to be his babygirl, his friend and his lover. He makes me strive to be better, to look better and to act better today than I did yesterday. To let him down is a tremendous hurt and a huge blow to me.

It feels great to be so well taken care of by him. I am a very lucky woman.

Have a lovely day, daddy and Kitty. It’s a great feeling.

I love you, always and forever,

Sugar

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