Limits for Submissives (and Dominants)

Screen Shot 2018-02-19 at 2.30.40 AMSo I as think of what limits I have, it brings me to the very many submissives we talk to online who say they have no limits. It makes me laugh, and it makes me confused. Daddy tends to talk to them and say silly things to them, like “Oh so I can break your arm?” “NO, of course not!” So yes you have limits. You have boundaries in what you think your dominant may or may not do to you. There are many dominants who are sadists, and submissives matching their sadism with masochism. It’s a nice pairing of desires, but you have to know what you can and can not tolerate. Is it okay to be marked? Is sleeping in a cage okay? Sleeping on the floor okay? It isn’t something this submissive would want to do unless it was a punishment. It’s not something I desire. Your limits are things that when crossed will make you feel abused. They will make you feel that your life is not worth living. You can not afford to accept someone who crosses a hard limit.

Now that being said some “hard” limits, you may wind up enjoying. Those are limits you may not think you may like, but they really turn out to be soft limits that you did not think you could possibly enjoy. Maybe, a good example of that is anal sex or being spanked with a belt or paddle. Those are examples of limits that you can walk away from thinking, “Gee, I really enjoyed that.” Soft limits are just that, limits that you may not think you would like, but you’ve never tried. Sometimes, those soft limits will turn the other way and become hard limits. You never know.

Dominants have limits as well. What is it you refuse to do to someone? Will you refuse to use needles or draw blood with a whip? Everyone has different limits. There is no right or wrong answer here, but the fact remains everyone has some limits, whether they are implied or vocalized, or just intrinsically known by the other, there are limits. Fortunately, a good dominant will know that, but unfortunately, a bad one won’t want to know. The unfortunate reality is there are abusive men who cloak themselves in the Dominant category and prey on new submissives who don’t know any better. They will belittle the submissive and tell them a “real submissive or slave has no limits.” Nothing could be further from the truth. It is imperative that we all communicate our limits with our dominants and submissives.

I have said that I don’t have limits with my Daddy. It’s true because I don’t need to communicate them anymore. He knows me so very well, he knows what I can handle and what I enjoy. I, in turn, do not have to tell him over and over again. He knows. So, in reality, I have limits but they need not be verbalized. I have gained his trust and he has gained mine.  We know so much about each other that they needn’t be vocalized at all.  Daddy can be quite the sadist, so inflicting pain and seeing tears does not stop his torment, but my safe word does.

That brings me to safewords. Everyone needs one. I have never used one. I don’t enjoy using them, which unfortunately brings a huge burden to Daddy. He needs to know my threshold to pain without using one. I don’t like them personally because I don’t like disappointing Daddy. He would argue that it’s my job to use one. I have not had to use one because he is very conscientious about making sure I am okay. This is from being together for years. A new submissive with a new dominant does not have that luxury. They don’t trust each other enough, nor do they know enough about each other to play in that manner. Communication about your limits and what safeword you will use is not only important but necessary for everyone’s protection.

I am happy to say I have found a dominant that would not cross the boundaries I have set for him, which at this point are mostly nonverbal and just known. I know what he could not do as well as he knows what I couldn’t tolerate. Be aware of the imposters, the abusers, the romanticists who are reading too many romance novels, and those who are mentally unstable. Enjoy those who know your desire, and their own desires match yours. It’s daunting to find the right partner, but it is so worth it. Just make sure you don’t get hurt looking for them-emotionally, physically or mentally.

I love you Daddy and I am blessed to know you. You are a wonderful example of what is right in the lifestyle.

Big hugs and kisses,

Your Sugar

 

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7 thoughts on “Limits for Submissives (and Dominants)

  1. I think you hit on something that new submissives need to forget immediately, and that is every romance novel they ever read. I just had a romance author who sends a monthly newsletter, send that newsletter out with the title “Have you ever safeworded”, and goes on to say that she doesn’t see any need for a safeword and doesn’t understand why anyone would use them. Good grief. And I will add that there are wannabe doms out there who use the line, oh but you won’t need a safeword, I’ll take it easy on you. My answer is – if I wanted someone to take it easy on my, I wouldn’t be searching out a Dom, and I’ll keep my safeword, and you will acknowledge it. Good grief. I have actually pointed a couple of the wannabes at this blog and told them to read what you write, and heed it.

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    • I fear for the new suns who find a less than scrupulous “Dom” who is anything but. The ones who say you’re not a sub you’re a fake if you don’t do everything I want. Good riddens to them! Buh bye.

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  2. If I weren’t as smart as I am about people, I can guarantee I would have fallen for a couple of them along the way. Two of them, in fact, said all the right things. It wasn’t until I met them in person and had a really in-depth conversation that I caught on that everything they were saying, they’d read somewhere. When I went off-script and started asking them things that were unique to me, questions I needed answers to, they faltered. And one really DID say that he would take it easy on me, so I didn’t need a safeword. I feel for the 20-somethings coming into this lifestyle with little to no experience. I know how to say no, I WILL safeword if I’m uncomfortable, but I wonder how many of the new subs won’t do that for whatever reason. I love what you write, by the way. It is so very current and real.

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  3. The real problem is, there are not many real subs and doms. I have talked to 100’s of men and women whom have no clue as to the real in depth knowledge you need before you ever work with them. The vast majority of men just want to get laid and the women want “Mr Grey”. Nice writing baby.

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  4. This is a very complicated subject. The safe word has to be in effect in any partnership no matter the sense of partnership. I believe that even in the closest relationships there should be safety and security for the Submissive and the Dom. In a scene many different things can happen and miscommunications do occur. Being safe and secure has to be job one. I know your limits and would never break our trust. I need to know your safe word is in effect as it also gives me a sense of security. I can enjoy our closeness with no risk.

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