We hear so much about submissives being broken. I know there are a variety of reasons we have been broken. Childhood issues, mental health issues, abuse issues, drug abuse issues, self-esteem issues, even all of the above. When we finally realize exactly who and what we are emotionally, sexually and mentally, it all becomes much clearer. Much like a frosted piece of glass that had been cleared. “Oh, I am a submissive, that’s why I am as I am.” I am actually strong. I am actually not as weak as I believed.
I used to believe there was something wrong with me that I was seriously mentally ill. I accepted all kinds of nonsense from people. I allowed them to use me, to hurt me, to direct me. Now, I’m not saying that part of my childhood isn’t to blame, or my abusive marital situation, but I believe that my core personality is that of a submissive. I needed to learn how to care for myself.
We need to understand why we respond the way we do in order to change it. I learned to have personal “rules” when meeting new men/Doms. I learned to give myself time to process my feelings. Sometimes, as long as 24 hours, sometimes 10 minutes, but I don’t always respond appropriately to things that hurt me. I act like things are fine and that I’m okay, but as the minutes, hours pass, I identify my hurt. Then I’m angry at who hurt me and at myself. I can lash out sometimes inappropriately, but I’m rarely wrong because before you hear a piece of my mind it has been gone over how maybe I could be wrong so many times, I’m 95% sure I’m not wrong.
All sounds so very simple, doesn’t it? Maybe, I’m a slow learner or I’m just that “broken” but it took me forever. It’s okay though, I learned. And I am stronger and much more assertive. I believe that my Daddy helped me tremendously and so did my therapist. Also, setting my own personal rules helped.
Daddy doesn’t see me as broken really. He doesn’t know the totally broken side I had. I’m glad, too. He has enough issues in his life than to fix me. I, also, would become one of the many he helps. I wouldn’t be quite as unique to him. I cherish my uniqueness in his world. He’s always there for me, just as I am for him.
So if you feel broken, you keep getting yourself into bad places, you have allowed anyone to make you feel less than worthy, I would try some hard introspection. Figure out why, take some steps to set up rules for yourself, become the best person you can be. Go to therapy a little. Set boundaries with pushy people. Yes, I know it’s very, very hard to do that. Yes, I still have some issues with that. I’m far from perfect, but I’m not broken anymore.
I have needs and yes, sometimes I can be needy. But I have lots of interests and some very good friends, as well. I don’t need to get every single need met by my Daddy. And he cherishes that. I can tell. It makes me quite different. Because I’m not broken, (maybe only bent) I can help him. I can be strength when he needs it. I can allow him space when he needs it as well.
All in all, fixing myself has made my unique bond with my Daddy possible. It has made our dynamic cold-forged steel strong. It has given both of us the ability to communicate at a deeper level. And when in doubt of anything, I simply ask him, or he tells me if he sees me going off the rails.
I have finally gotten who I deserved and so has he. The loving, nurturing, man and woman we needed complete with CRACK -Compassion, Respect, Affection, Caring, Kindness. That is the best drug of all!
I love you, Daddy with all my heart. I am yours,