Mean vs. Abuse

fullsizeoutput_2c2eWe have all met mean people. Some of us LIVE with mean people. We see them at work and we see them in our homes, we grew up with them. Some mean people are truly abusive. I believe abuse is simply a continuation of mean. If on a meanness scale of 1-10 mean may be 4-6, abuse is a 7-10. Mean doesn’t always make you feel bad about yourself. It doesn’t always hurt you, it stings perhaps, but it’s not an actual pain. Mean may be a grumpy person. Mean may be someone who always has to take that last cookie. They may give snippy answers. They may be miserable people. They like giving you grief over the smallest things. ” Oh, you didn’t clean up the kitchen again?” type of things. They are simply pains in the asses. You don’t like being around them much because they are whining and snippy. Abusive people, on the other hand, are toxic.

Abuse is different than mean, in my opinion. Abuse goes for the juggler. It makes you feel embarrassed, foolish, and less of a person than you were 10 minutes ago. Abuse calls you names. Abuse makes you feel you don’t have a right to be alive. Abuse makes you wish you were dead. Abuse makes you want to do anything to not be with that person. It demands things, it blackmails you, it has statements like “If you loved me, you would… ” It calls you unthinkable names. It does anything and everything in its power to make you feel less of a person and help them, in turn, feel more of a person and in control of you. Abuse wants to control. It wants to see you do anything and everything they want, when they want it and how they want it. You are to do as they say, NOW!

Physically and mentally abusive people blame you. They blame you for making them hit you, making them be the bad guy.  If you didn’t_______, I would not have had to _______. Abuse is ugly. The worst kind of abusive is the one who somehow makes you think it’s really your fault they can’t be happy with you. They take your words and twist them into something you don’t recognize. Example, you say at dinner, “Pass the salt please.” Immediately, they say something horrible to you. Could be “Oh you’re such an asshole for not liking my food the way it is. ” Could be ” As fat as you are, you shouldn’t be using salt at all!” Could be even gentler, ” Did I not season your food correctly, Your Highness?” That is abuse. It knows no gender, no age, and no color, or no religion.

Abusive people are master manipulators. They take what they know to be your weak points and make them into your arrows. Personal arrows you sharpen yourself to allow them to strike you. They learn your frailties. They are cruel and evil. They use them against you. They call you names repeatedly, stupid, lazy, ugly, fat, cunt, asshole, worthless, or whore, bastard. I could go on and on. You know what they are. You’ve heard them and maybe heard yourself internally think them about yourself. You consciously know, you’re not that word but oh, hear it enough times, you begin to internalize it and know it. Daddy described it to me as you shake it off, but a tiny piece stays in your heart. Soon your heart is filled with tiny pieces of abuse. I like to use to old paper analogy, a pretty all white piece of paper gets crinkled up. It is never the same. Never. you can iron it, smooth it, it never goes back to being that pristine piece of paper.

I can be a very blunt person. I can say it like it is and blurt out the truth faster than most. I don’t mean to be cruel or mean, but it may seem that way. The difference between that  and an abuser is that honesty, even the tough stuff, makes you feel clearer and stronger, while abusive “meanness leaves you mired in shame, despair, and frailty. I rarely get accused of abuse.” Example: A very close friend is always making a group of us wait for her. We have gone out and have always had to wait for her, not 5 minutes, an hour or two. I finally had more than enough and blurted out, “You believe your time is more valuable than our time.” The others agreed and she cried but it wasn’t abusive it was blunt. “You’ll learn that the truth, no matter how hard, always strengthens you more than a lie, no matter how nice.”

Abuse makes you want to cower, to hide and to lie, to avoid the abusive repercussions. It tears down your being and the fiber of who you are. It makes you numb, unable to love and to grow. It keeps you stagnant. I want to grow and flourish, I want to be the best me I can be. I need to avoid the abusers in my life and allow my daddy to water me daily and feed me often.

I have been abused. I have been the recipient of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. I have been at the hands of mean people as well. I have been fortunate enough to have a daddy who doesn’t abuse and only lifts me and my spirit to a higher level. He gives me strength. He makes me a better person, even a softer kinder person. He’s sometimes tougher on me than anyone else in his life. I am held to a higher standard. I am his prodigy. I am proud to be his babygirl, his friend and his lover. He makes me strive to be better, to look better and to act better today than I did yesterday. To let him down is a tremendous hurt and a huge blow to me.

It feels great to be so well taken care of by him. I am a very lucky woman.

Have a lovely day, daddy and Kitty. It’s a great feeling.

I love you, always and forever,

Sugar

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy!

Sometimes, the person whose sperm actually helped make you, isn’t your real Daddy. Sometimes it’s a very special man who takes you under their wing and makes sure no one hurts you, they make sure you are safe, they make sure you love yourself, they make sure you are aware that you are not the lost soul you always felt like. You have a purpose and have value. And they love you on so very many levels. They are as consistent as they possibly can be and they remind you that you possess a beauty that isn’t likely to fade because its deep inside of you. No one can take that from you. You love with all your heart and you can, because they will protect that heart. 

You call that gentle, sweet kind loving leader of your soul, Daddy. He loves you and he will hold you dear to his heart for as long as you both have breath. And you in turn would stop anyone from hurting him. You pledge your allegiance to him and you never waiver from your devotion. You belong to him. You are his and he is yours. 

Happiest Father’s Day to the best natural father and the best daddy I have ever known. I must have done something right to have God’s blessing to find a man I can honestly say I admire. There are so few men in the world I can say that about. And to think one of them is my daddy. WOW!!! Simply WOW! 

I love you daddy and always will. I made you a promise when we first met. I will honor that promise till the day God takes one of us. I will protect you and love you forever and ever. 

I love you always and forever, you have my heart. I am yours. 

Kisses and big hugs and love,

Sophie and Sugar

The Web of Us

Often we think of BDSM as the focus of a D/s relationship. While it is an important component to our relationship, it is not at all the primary part of it. I don’t think we are much different than any D/s couple or poly family. We are so multifacted, he is my best friend, my lover, my daddy, my confidant, my family, my leader, my partner. I admire him more than he will ever know, dispite his reluctance to see why I am smitten. I love his heart, his kindness, his demeanor, even his tolerance when I am a true pain in the ass. (And there are times I am a real little ass.)

You can’t strip out one layer though without screwing up the whole relationship. If we weren’t friends, it would take away from our dyanmic. If I didn’t adore him, it would not be the same as well. Any small change in our relationship would, well, CHANGE it. Other people don’t have that much influence because it simply doesn’t change us. There is not a time where I don’t feel loved and if I get insecure (Sophie can be a very insecure little pita) he knows how to calm my fears.

All of this is not to say we are perfect. Hardly, we have disagreements, we just don’t keep them bottled up. If we are upset, we deal with it. I don’t hold it in and I’m learning to be a little more gentle. We are quick to say I’m sorry, and best of all, we actually mean it. We try not to repeat the same thing and try to improve. We are human beings first, we love each other second, we are Dominant and Submissive third. It’s a truly multifacted diamond of a relationship. Daddy has earned my respect, and he also respects me, as well. He knows my best qualities, my strengths , and unfortunately my flaws, which are varied and many. It simply doesn’t matter. I know all of his as well. We still are partners, friends and lovers.

We can’t exisit on a different level. I can’t imagine only being one thing to daddy or visa versa. we are a multifacted couple, and it’s very noticeable if you meet us. Our eyes smile, our bodies are longing to touch, not always in a sexual way, but in an intimate way that can’t be missed.

Life is better when we are connected in anyway. It’s even better when we are connected in person. We are happier, calmer, and always sillier. There are plenty of laughs and a few tears. Sometimes they are tears of happiness, sometimes, anger. But the angry ones are short-lived. We simply can’t stay mad at each other. It’s just the way it is.

We are real people with real lives, jobs, kids, spouses, and problems. We don’t take out our lifes problems on each other. We sooth the stressors out when possible. We are connected in a gentler way. Most of all we love each other. we are sure of one thing if nothing else in this crazy world. We have each other. Always and forever. Regardless of who and how many metamours or who they are. , of how many issues we come acress. We love each other. It’s pretty fucking amazing actually.- I wish I could bottle this and sell it. We’d be extremely wealthy.

I love you daddy,

Always and forever.
Sugar

Judgement-(the need for the absense of)

Judgement- we all do it at some rate. We do it when we eat out, looking at colleges, watching athletic performance, etc., but what about judging our partners? Judging how they take care of us, how they please us, how they look at our sexual kinks, how they trust us. The list is endless. 

It does not do any relationship any good to judge. Yet, we all do it. I have as well. I’m guilty as charged. I don’t tend to judge a whole lot, I tend to judge when I think someone is trying to hurt someone. But it’s still judging. I’m working hard at easing up on my own opinions of what is acceptable. I don’t judge sexual kinks as long as they stay fantasies, and not illegal realities. I.e., having sex with animals, or other things that may not be acceptable. Enjoy the fantasy. Why not? 

I don’t judge because you love more than one person. We are all capable of loving more than one person. Who am I to tell you it can only be me? If that person hurts you, then I have a problem with them. I don’t like anyone hurting my daddy. It’s absolutely not in their best interest to do that. I am feircely protective of him and his heart. Many times more so than he is. 

I try to not judge anyone, but poor behavior to my daddy brings out the worst side of me. I do judge you then. I judge your ability to make him happy. I am doing better but I am not there yet. I try hard not to judge daddy for anything. Not who he loves, not how he loves, not what he does. This doesn’t mean I don’t have issues with things. Of course, we aren’t going to always agree on everything. I am learning to ask. I’m not perfect with it but I am quicker to realize my mistakes. And daddy is better able to redirect me as well. 

So if you want to judge me for loving a man who is poly, go ahead. I know for sure I share a deeper and more loving intimacy than anyone can imagine. 

I love you daddy, 

Sugar

How My Little’s Brain Works and Why

Screen Shot 2017-05-15 at 2.25.23 AMLittles are strange creatures. They are different than anyone could imagine. Maybe I am a different little, maybe I’m a one of the kind. I won’t speak for other littles. I will speak to my little. Sophie, in her childlike state, is happy. She’s funny, a big physical mess. She trips over things, she’s clumsy, she laughs at silly things. She is also very insecure. She loves with all her heart. Sophie can be a smart ass. She thinks she is right, sometimes when she isn’t. Daddy is quite patient with her, even when she is cheeky or a big mess. He never makes her feel unimportant. He never makes her feel less of a woman either. Her insecurities are always unfounded and she is learning to calmly and easily talk to daddy instead of acting out and behaving badly.

Her insecurities are always unfounded; she is learning to calmly and easily talk to daddy instead feeing into her desire to shout and perform in a negative manner. It’s not easy for her. None of it is easy. It’s hard. She fights with her demons. The voices in her head are loud and scary. Now, why may you ask does she feel so insecure, if her daddy never gives her a reason? Very good question. She has serious abandonment issues. People leave her, other people abused her. They use her frailty to hurt her. She doesn’t trust easily.

Her own mother gave her away. She was adopted. She didn’t appear to have an issue when she was a child, but that was an illusion. So many of her issues are directly threaded to childhood. She parented her adopted mother, who was abused by her father. She took care of her. She tried hard to direct her mother to leave the man who was loving and good to her, but not her mother. She learned that she needed to help her mother. All her life she did that. That left her unable to fully grow up. Oh she looks very grown up, she looks her age, she can easily act her age. She has grown-up wisdom, but that is her alter ego, Mommy.  No one knows much about Mommy here. Mommy protects Sophie, Mommy protects Daddy. Mommy protects everyone.  Mommy and Sophie have serious debates in her mind. Daddy knows about those debates. He knows about Mommy, he knows about her insecurities, she knows about his. There is so much more to their relationship than almost anyone knows. Her sister Kitty knows, but almost no one else has a clue.

So when Sophie, in her childlike state, has a meltdown. Daddy does what daddies should do, he talks to her. He calms her down. He finds out what the real issues are in her mind. He treats her no differently than any other 12 year old child. Then he hugs her if he is there with her, and depending on her poor behavior he could punish her or warn her. They talk about how she could have handled her fears differently. That is why she is learning. He is teaching her to discuss, not react. She is learning or rather unlearning, how to handle her fears. He has taught her that.

Daddy is her hero. He is her protector, her heart is in his hands and he isn’t going to ever let anyone hurt her. This is why she trusts him. He trusts her as well. Their level of intimacy is beyond what anyone else knows. To the outside world, she is a grown adult woman who has a silly sense of humor, who may be silly and happy; but to her daddy, he knows who and what she is. She’s a scared, insecure and often happy 12-year old who simply adores her daddy. He adores her as well. He knows that there are two distinct personalities inside of her. And she has a big heart, and a loving one as well. They share so many things in this world – the most important is each other’s hearts.

I love you, Daddy for all you are and all you do for me. I see your goodness, and you are a wonderful, beautiful person. You are my hero, I adore you.

Hugs and Big Kisses,

Sugar (Sophie too!)

How to Weed the Domly Garden (Hints to Know if He’s the Real Deal)

Many times when investigating any BDSM lifestyles, newly interested submissive finds a Dominant that is willing and appears to know what to do, they jump into the sub frenzy that often occurs when a newly born submissive discovers they are subs. They listen to every single thing the Dominant type man has to say. They have no idea if the man is truly educated in BDSM and worthy of their submission. Yes. You heard that correctly. They must be worthy. You can not ever assume that they are worthy of holding your own sense of self. By that I mean when you give your trust to a Dominant  they have the ability to harm you physically, emotionally and mentally. Be certain that they have earned the right to hold that power. Be certain that the power exchange that you engage in with them is a healthy one. 

I’ve said this and daddy has said this as well, a dominant should always, always have your best interest at heart. Even if what you do pleases him, even if what you do is pushing your limits, even if you are uncomfortable with what he asks you to do, you must be comfortable enough to trust that he knows what is best for you and how to guide you from that uncomfortable feeling and growth.  

Never take for granted that the man you are trusting is able to do that at first sight. Some of the ways you can weed out the false Dominants are first and foremost listen. If when you first meet them they demand you call them master, RUN. DON’T WALK. They are not your master. I’d even go as far as to say you don’t have to call them Sir yet, but I have met some truly awesome dominants that will ask that rather quickly. Also if your hard limits receive a scoffing of “a real sub wouldn’t say no to me.” RUN. They aren’t your anything when you first meet them. You don’t have to give them anything but polite respect that you would give anyone. Everything else they have to earn. There doesn’t have to be any sexual activity at all. As a matter of fact, I had a hard and fast rule. No playing of any kind on the first meeting. Why? Because I am easily talked into doing anything to please people. I have felt so low and so cheap I needed self rules. That was one of them. If a man can’t wait to get to know you better, he is not anything you need to be worried about. 

You also have to earn their dominance. You need to show them that even though you may be new, you are serious about learning. A good dom will slowly take your proverbial “hand” and guide you along the way. His teaching will feel amazing if this is who you are truly meant to be. Not everyone is a submissive. Even if the sexual kink is amazing to you, even if you enjoy being spanked, could be you’re simply a bottom and enjoy that aspect of the lifestyle. That’s amazing in and of itself. 

My biggest joys in life are pleasing the people I love. I light up like a Christmas tree. I am happier than I would be than if they pleased me. A simple “good girl” sends chills down my spine. Knowing I have pleased my daddy is like Christmas morning to me. 

I am quite lucky to have found a man who has not only earned my respect but my admiration and my love. I trust him so much, he may do anything at all to me. I am 100% positive he isn’t doing it to hurt me. We aren’t perfect people, but we are good, kind people who love deeply and we care. 

I love you daddy, 

Your very own Sugar! 

Digital Informational Resources about BDSM

I scour the internet tremendously to find new resources. Daddy does the same. We have found some very cool podcast programs that are very thought provoking and informative.

One of them that Daddy found is “The Fearless Submissive.” The  host of that show is Julie R and she’s amazing. The other one I  discovered is “Loving BDSM,” with Kayla Lords and John Brownstone who bring a different spin on the relationship aspect of BDSM. Kayla also has a blog that is Kayla Lords Blog All of the podcast hosts can be found on Fetlife and they are very approachable and knowledgeable.

One of the shows Julie had talked about how poly brings out some of the self doubts in naturally self doubting submissive. Kayla also discussed something similar on the self doubts of submissives who think they are too much, or not enough. They shows are between 30-60 minutes and easy to listen to and digest. They make you think and they make you aware that, first and foremost, you are not alone. Your feelings and your insecurities are shared by many, many submissives and they are natural. They are not necessarily healthy, mind you, but they are common and able to be over come.

I will be investigating more of both of their podcasts in addition to finding more for our family. It allows some of my feelings become acceptable to Me and I can share them more easily knowing I’m not alone, I’m not crazy, I am not that odd. Knowing these things has helped me step back, examine my feelings and emotions and have the ability to discuss things with Daddy calmly and without a full blown temper trantrum or shoving down fear until I can’t sleep. (I’ve been known to do both trying to avoid doing the other one LOL)

A real example of this came when Daddy changed his good night to me/us. Every night Daddy says Good Night love you to my sister and me. Every night without fail, unless there is a bizarre occurrence, which is rare and we usually understand knowing what’s going on in his life. Well, one night following some poor behavior on my part he just said good night. I didn’t sleep well but I tried hard to let it go. It happened again and did for a week or so. So I knew that either I asked him about it calmly or I was going to have a melt down from fear that his feelings had somehow changed. My 12 year old brain was always looking for signs that I was no longer loved. That wasn’t anything daddy knew or realized or did he? I was driving myself nutty. So calmly and with some background on how I know sometimes he just doesn’t realize he does this and sometimes things are very well thought out, I asked him. He was surprised and didn’t realize it at all and he was quite proud of me for not jumping into a panic mode and simply asking a question and being quite calm.

I am always learning and exploring how to be better, act better and be more of the kind of submissive I desire to be. Daddy and I are growing and sometimes there are growing pains sometimes and other times there are growth spurts that are smooth transitions. The more introspective and the more I learn about myself the easier I find it to not be reactive but much more proactive in my conversations and ask more questions calmly. I know Daddy appreciates that very much.

Please let me know if you have found a podcast or publication you enjoy. I always enjoy learning and exploring. Let me know if you’ve enjoyed those two podcasts as well.

Thank you Daddy for encouraging me to learn about myself and about you. I am always a better person for it.

I love you, always and forever,

Sugar.

My Heros-My Dominant and My Sister

Without going into specifics, I left home. I had a huge fight with my abusive spouse, and I mustered up some small bit of courage, and I left. I was upset. I was scared. I was a whole lot of things. Daddy was there. Daddy and Kitty held my hand. They made sure I was okay. They held my hearts close to them. I was in a hotel and daddy drove an hour to come and see me. He made sure I had money and gave me some. I accepted it as a loan and will, of course, pay him back. He stayed with me and held me. He made sure I was smiling and felt as safe and secure as I could. 

I am an only child. I never had anyone to rely on for emotional support. I now have Kitty. She was so sweet and so understanding and supportive, I couldn’t have felt better. I am so grateful for her support and encouragement. I could cry at the joy of having these two very special, very remarkable people in my life. 

I did, reluctantly, go back home. Long story once again, but my fear was daddy would think less of me. Not think of me the same. This less of me than he did. Same with Kitty. My fears of being thought of as a coward and as stupid were in essence- stupid. LOL. Nothing could be further from the truth and they are still here for me- still supportive and still as loving and wonderful as always. 

I can’t even imagine a better family. And I owe them my life. I love you both so much. Thank you for being there when I was at my lowest and my worst. I am humbled and loved. I love you! 

My love, always and forever, 

Sugar

The Graceful Aging of a Submissive 

I am an older submissive. I began my introspective journey late in my life. I was about 42 when I started. I never considered it as play, almost ever. I realized in the beginning, before there was a dominant, before I had actually met anyone real time that me being a submissive explained a lot of what I conceived to be odd behaviors. Now I am more at home in this role, probably more so than ever, it is evident to me I am getting older. It’s never easy aging, period, let alone aging with a little inside of you and being a submissive who is always trying to please.

I find that I’m finally trying to develop a balance of adult and little. Not always easy. I always knew I had a happy little, it’s only recently I realized I had an angry, sad, insecure one, as well. Daddy figured out that when I have my strongest emotions those are the times she is the most present. Those are sometimes my trying times, as well. Fearful, and anxious 12 year olds aren’t fun to be around as we have discussed in other blog entries.

One of the hardest things I’ve found is an identity crisis. When you feel 12 but look your age, you look and it’s always like looking at another person in the mirror. Who is that old lady? We all, regardless of submission or Littles, think similarly I believe. It’s a cruel prank on mankind to age, but it’s alway rewarding.  We all don’t get to be old. Some of us are robbed of that right, so I try to embrace it as much as possible. My motto is “I’m going out kicking and screaming.” If you know me, you know that’s true.

I am growing old as gracefully as possible, and I’m also growing in my submission and my service. I look for ways to help those in need, yet try not to push my thoughts and feelings and ideals into the people I’m helping. It’s a delicate balance and one I’m working on trying to perfect. I welcome any comments and ideas on how to become better and more graceful. It’s a fragile balancing act to not become a stereotype of someone who is “trying too hard” to be something or an age they are not.

Daddy helps me with that balance and quite enjoys my silly little. The anxious fearful one, not quite so much. (Smile) I am blessed to have found that remarkable man who not only adores who I am in totality but can nurture and encourage the pain in the ass child as well.

I love you daddy,

Yours, always and forever,

Sugar