7 Ways to be Physically Affectionate…Aside From Sex

I read this and it reminded me that being physically intimate isn’t always about sex. It can be many things that have nothing to do with sex. And this author highlights some great ways!!! Enjoy the read! I surely did.

7 Ways to be Physically Affectionate…Aside From Sex

7 Ways to be Physically Affectionate…Aside From Sex
— Read on avasterlingauthor.com/2018/03/28/7-ways-to-be-physically-affectionateaside-from-sex/

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“Broken” Submissives

We hear so much about submissives being broken. I know there are a variety of reasons we have been broken. Childhood issues, mental health issues, abuse issues, drug abuse issues, self-esteem issues, even all of the above. When we finally realize exactly who and what we are emotionally, sexually and mentally, it all becomes much clearer. Much like a frosted piece of glass that had been cleared. “Oh, I am a submissive, that’s why I am as I am.” I am actually strong. I am actually not as weak as I believed.

I used to believe there was something wrong with me that I was seriously mentally ill. I accepted all kinds of nonsense from people. I allowed them to use me, to hurt me, to direct me. Now, I’m not saying that part of my childhood isn’t to blame, or my abusive marital situation, but I believe that my core personality is that of a submissive. I needed to learn how to care for myself.

We need to understand why we respond the way we do in order to change it. I learned to have personal “rules” when meeting new men/Doms. I learned to give myself time to process my feelings. Sometimes, as long as 24 hours, sometimes 10 minutes, but I don’t always respond appropriately to things that hurt me. I act like things are fine and that I’m okay, but as the minutes, hours pass, I identify my hurt. Then I’m angry at who hurt me and at myself. I can lash out sometimes inappropriately, but I’m rarely wrong because before you hear a piece of my mind it has been gone over how maybe I could be wrong so many times, I’m 95% sure I’m not wrong.

All sounds so very simple, doesn’t it? Maybe, I’m a slow learner or I’m just that “broken” but it took me forever. It’s okay though, I learned. And I am stronger and much more assertive. I believe that my Daddy helped me tremendously and so did my therapist. Also, setting my own personal rules helped.

Daddy doesn’t see me as broken really. He doesn’t know the totally broken side I had. I’m glad, too. He has enough issues in his life than to fix me. I, also, would become one of the many he helps. I wouldn’t be quite as unique to him. I cherish my uniqueness in his world. He’s always there for me, just as I am for him.

So if you feel broken, you keep getting yourself into bad places, you have allowed anyone to make you feel less than worthy, I would try some hard introspection. Figure out why, take some steps to set up rules for yourself, become the best person you can be. Go to therapy a little. Set boundaries with pushy people. Yes, I know it’s very, very hard to do that. Yes, I still have some issues with that. I’m far from perfect, but I’m not broken anymore.

I have needs and yes, sometimes I can be needy. But I have lots of interests and some very good friends, as well. I don’t need to get every single need met by my Daddy. And he cherishes that. I can tell. It makes me quite different. Because I’m not broken, (maybe only bent) I can help him. I can be strength when he needs it. I can allow him space when he needs it as well.

All in all, fixing myself has made my unique bond with my Daddy possible. It has made our dynamic cold-forged steel strong. It has given both of us the ability to communicate at a deeper level. And when in doubt of anything, I simply ask him, or he tells me if he sees me going off the rails.

I have finally gotten who I deserved and so has he. The loving, nurturing, man and woman we needed complete with CRACK -Compassion, Respect, Affection, Caring, Kindness. That is the best drug of all!

I love you, Daddy with all my heart. I am yours,

Sugar

Submission vs Doormat

Screen Shot 2018-03-14 at 2.06.25 AMIt seems that often people mistakenly think that if a person is submissive, they must be a doormat. Obviously, this is not true, but not entirely impossible either. We tend to be people-pleasers, as a general rule. In reality, this is something that many submissives need to work on not becoming that cliche. It’s not easy, given our way innate need to please. We generally have a strong urge to make people happy. These people may or may not be worthy of our time or efforts. How on earth can we distinguish who is worthy of these efforts?

One way to look at it is, look at the other person’s actions. Are they takers or do you mean enough to them to have them give of themselves? Do you feel that what you have done for that person is truly appreciated? Are they grateful? Do you feel that if you didn’t do those things for them, would they still be there for you?

In other words, do you feel good about yourself? Does it enhance your life or do you feel badly about yourself after you do things for them? Talk to your closest friends about it. Do they think you are being used? Why or why not?

In my personal case, I look to my Daddy to help me distinguish between people who are worthy and people who are taking advantage of me. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, and if after a few times I see that their actions  do not match their words, I know I need to assess. I ask Daddy and get his opinion. (just to be sure) The more I get reinforcement that I am correct in my assumptions, the more I realize I have that power.

You often know when you’re being a pawn, you feel it deep inside. Your intuition shows you, it’s like someone waving a huge red flag. You see it, but often we ignore it, as if it’s really not Your red flag. You are allowed, as a submissive, to say no to people. You can say to yourself, I’ve had enough. And then tell the person “I can’t really do that for you. I’m sorry. ” and you will live. Nothing will fall down, the world won’t stop. Life will go on. You may even have to practice saying no. And that’s okay too. Practice makes it easier to do.

It is truly up to our own selves to protect ourselves from being a doormat. We can feel it deep inside. It feels bad, feels sadly familiar, and feels like the person had no right to even ask you. When that happens, politely but firmly,  just say no. You will fight with the bad feeling you may experience, but it will pass and you will then be left with a feeling of empowerment, and self esteem.

These are some of the things that Daddy has taught me and instilled in me.

Thank you Daddy, I am quite lucky to have such a caring Dominant.

I love you,

Sugar

What Exactly Is Topping From The Bottom?

The phrase is use a lot. Doms love throwing it around. Subs think they never do it. What the hell is it? I’ve looked for a definition I agree with and most are simply about a “scene” in which a sub tells a Dom exactly how they want things done to them.

Now that definition works fine if the D/s relationship is simply a top/bottom bedroom one, but for my relationship with Daddy doesn’t work at all. Why? Because the sexual part of our relationship is probably the least important part. So if I ask for something, it’s just that a request, not a command. So if I appear to top from the bottom, it distresses me to think of that as something I’ve done terribly wrong. In my own personal definition, topping from the bottom isn’t guiding. It’s demanding and/or leading for the purpose of personal gain.

So officially, I am saying this as my definition: Topping from the bottom is the coercing of a Dominant to do something specifically for or to the submissive, in order for the submissive’s gain of power and/or advancement.

Meaning if it only improves the quality of life of the submissive and doesn’t improve the dominant’s life, it is topping from the bottom. If however, the submissive is guiding the Dominant’s behavior to improve his own life, she is doing the job of the submissive to care for and help her Dominant in any way she can. She is only trying to guide the Dominant, so as to not allow the dominant to fail at taking his own mental, physical and emotional needs into account.

This may be up for debate on what his needs actually are, but that is to be negotiated as to what they are and how she can best provide that without upsetting the exchange of power.

Kayla Lord in her Loving BDSM podcast, “Adding a Tough Love Clause to a Ds Relationship”, describes it as when the sub has to respectfully communicate with the dominant to what she believes he needs to do to care for his needs. (Key word being respectfully) He may not be in the frame of mind to heed such a message or not realize he needed one, but it is important to have such a clause. Sometimes we just can’t see the forest for the trees. Even the biggest, baddest, most fierce Dom, needs a warrior submissive to help him at times. Hence, the tough love clause is perfect. This Falls perfectly in line with my own personal definition of it’s not topping from the bottom if it is in the best interest of the dominant.

So Daddy whenever I appear to be Topping from the Bottom, please ask yourself, Is this an act that will only benefit my own wants or needs, or is it something I have done with your best interest at heart with a tough love clause in my hand? Smile. We all don’t like being the “bossy” sub, but we need to take care of the Dominant who needs to be cared for properly.

My heart is yours sir and it is my job to make sure you’re properly cared for by everyone, even yourself.

Love you, always and forever,

Sugar

What is a Submissive?

I was given the task of answering the question “What is a submissive?” I thought for a minute and said now how on earth do I answer that? LOL I thought, surely I have answered that somewhere in the last few years on this Blog? Surely, I have something that will give a definitive answer to that? Ummm… no I have come close, but no cigar! I know that people don’t define submissives well. I know that most think if you’re kinky in the bedroom, “Oh, you must be a submissive!” I know that there is a continuum in submission as there is in all aspects in life. Well, I did find I wrote about submission and some types I believe are the 3 basic skeletal outlines I list below.

1. The bedroom submissive: a bedroom submissive is one who is very dominant and normal in all areas of her life, yet in the bedroom will submit and enjoys the endorphin rush. A bedroom submissive gives up control in the bedroom only.

2. The Psychological Submissive: This type of submissive is always submissive. She doesn’t need sexual acts or the bedroom to submit. She is submissive even to people who are not her dominant. She generally does much better with a dominant who can guide her and lead her in life.

3. The Submissive with a Slave Heart: A slave submissive surrenders all of her control to a dominant Master. She gives up all of her choices in life to them. She may or may not have limits but will always follow what her dominant demands. A good dominant will always respect those limits, even with the slave submissive.

I look at those types of submissives, I tend to fall in the Psychological Submissive. I follow orders to the best of my ability and I feel grounded and safe with a good dominant leading me. So many women fall in either the bedroom submissive or the few who have a slave heart. I always believe we fall in a continuum, as in most areas of life. There are no concrete lines and often we change due to our dominant or life itself. I have found a dominant I can not only trust but respect and admire. I am calm, safe, relaxed and can be the best person I can be.

To me submissives are empatethic to a fault, we feel things others can not. We see past the BS of life into the heart of the person. We can sometimes actually feel that person. We can feel their pain, their joy, their sadness, their happiness. It is not something I would wish on anyone. We are also prone to needing to please. We want those in our lives to be happy. We want to make them smile and feel wonderful. A “good girl” from daddy will make me so pleased. It makes my whole day. I am not unusual, I know. It’s a standard submissive trait. I need to protect as well. I need to be sure those I love are safe, as much as I need to look to others to protect me. I am an easy target at times.

I also believe a submissive is born not trained. It’s like an Olympic Skier, you can only train someone so far, if there isn’t the underlying raw talent, you’re just not getting an Olympic Gold Medal!  If you ask me how long I’ve been submissive, I’ve been submissive all my life. It’s like asking me how long I have had green eyes. I’ve always been this way. Now if you ask me how long I have had kinky sex? That I can give you a timeline on, but that isn’t what makes me submissive at all. I am submissive without the kinky sex or the Dominant man in my life. I have always been the motherly type, long before I was an actual mother as well.

There is a great article on what a submissive child feels and looks like as a child by Dr. Yaldah Tovah. http://www.sandm.com/advice/the-healthy-female-submissive. The article was an eye opener for me. It made perfect sense in that I have always felt different. It states that submissive women start out as babies being more set to social cues, and easier to raise as toddlers. They need to please. It goes on to state that as they grow the submissive girl tends to be more empathetic than the average girl. Submissive girls are more in tune to people and can often find  issues and tend to want to fix them.

Dr. Tovah lists the traits of a healthy submissive woman below. I happen to agree with them.

1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years.
2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself because her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others.
3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship.
4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. She is at ease in that place.
5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is reactive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others.
6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her to adapt to changing circumstances.
7. The healthy submissive is playful.
8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about her body, and its goodness and beauty.
9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments.
10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her culture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent “wrongness” about those needs.
11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.
12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself “as is” is tolerant of others. But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be.
13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficulties as well as her strengths.
14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service.

I have been an unhealthy submissive, I have grown in the last few years into being much more healthy. I have had some help with that, Daddy is a wonderful man who has helped me identify areas in my personality that are unique. I had a therapist who make me know I am not insane and assured me that I am more in tune to my own inner child and nurturing qualities than most people and that’s healthy. I have read many many articles on what being in a D/s relationship should look like and that has helped me, although, each one is different there are similarities in all. Trust, Love and Communication, all need to be present. TLC is a good way to remember that, without TLC there can be no healthy D/s relationship.

I have lived most of my life not understanding my unique personality and having men and others take advantage of my kindness and special submissive qualities. I currently finally feel free. I am being cared for, nurtured, and I finally feel safe. I know that there is no one in the world who is allowed to hurt me. My heart is free from worry and fear. I  have found someone who is worthy of my protection as well. I know that I am a protector, as well as needing protecting. I hope other submissives can relate to this entry. I spent a lot of time not understanding why I was this way. I finally have the answers I always so badly desired.

Thank you, Daddy for always being there for me and for allowing me to grow and learn and flourish in my submission and strength. I love you!

Always and Forever,

Sugar

All opinions here are my own personal opinions and ones I have researched. You may agree or disagree- feel free!

Limits for Submissives (and Dominants)

Screen Shot 2018-02-19 at 2.30.40 AMSo I as think of what limits I have, it brings me to the very many submissives we talk to online who say they have no limits. It makes me laugh, and it makes me confused. Daddy tends to talk to them and say silly things to them, like “Oh so I can break your arm?” “NO, of course not!” So yes you have limits. You have boundaries in what you think your dominant may or may not do to you. There are many dominants who are sadists, and submissives matching their sadism with masochism. It’s a nice pairing of desires, but you have to know what you can and can not tolerate. Is it okay to be marked? Is sleeping in a cage okay? Sleeping on the floor okay? It isn’t something this submissive would want to do unless it was a punishment. It’s not something I desire. Your limits are things that when crossed will make you feel abused. They will make you feel that your life is not worth living. You can not afford to accept someone who crosses a hard limit.

Now that being said some “hard” limits, you may wind up enjoying. Those are limits you may not think you may like, but they really turn out to be soft limits that you did not think you could possibly enjoy. Maybe, a good example of that is anal sex or being spanked with a belt or paddle. Those are examples of limits that you can walk away from thinking, “Gee, I really enjoyed that.” Soft limits are just that, limits that you may not think you would like, but you’ve never tried. Sometimes, those soft limits will turn the other way and become hard limits. You never know.

Dominants have limits as well. What is it you refuse to do to someone? Will you refuse to use needles or draw blood with a whip? Everyone has different limits. There is no right or wrong answer here, but the fact remains everyone has some limits, whether they are implied or vocalized, or just intrinsically known by the other, there are limits. Fortunately, a good dominant will know that, but unfortunately, a bad one won’t want to know. The unfortunate reality is there are abusive men who cloak themselves in the Dominant category and prey on new submissives who don’t know any better. They will belittle the submissive and tell them a “real submissive or slave has no limits.” Nothing could be further from the truth. It is imperative that we all communicate our limits with our dominants and submissives.

I have said that I don’t have limits with my Daddy. It’s true because I don’t need to communicate them anymore. He knows me so very well, he knows what I can handle and what I enjoy. I, in turn, do not have to tell him over and over again. He knows. So, in reality, I have limits but they need not be verbalized. I have gained his trust and he has gained mine.  We know so much about each other that they needn’t be vocalized at all.  Daddy can be quite the sadist, so inflicting pain and seeing tears does not stop his torment, but my safe word does.

That brings me to safewords. Everyone needs one. I have never used one. I don’t enjoy using them, which unfortunately brings a huge burden to Daddy. He needs to know my threshold to pain without using one. I don’t like them personally because I don’t like disappointing Daddy. He would argue that it’s my job to use one. I have not had to use one because he is very conscientious about making sure I am okay. This is from being together for years. A new submissive with a new dominant does not have that luxury. They don’t trust each other enough, nor do they know enough about each other to play in that manner. Communication about your limits and what safeword you will use is not only important but necessary for everyone’s protection.

I am happy to say I have found a dominant that would not cross the boundaries I have set for him, which at this point are mostly nonverbal and just known. I know what he could not do as well as he knows what I couldn’t tolerate. Be aware of the imposters, the abusers, the romanticists who are reading too many romance novels, and those who are mentally unstable. Enjoy those who know your desire, and their own desires match yours. It’s daunting to find the right partner, but it is so worth it. Just make sure you don’t get hurt looking for them-emotionally, physically or mentally.

I love you Daddy and I am blessed to know you. You are a wonderful example of what is right in the lifestyle.

Big hugs and kisses,

Your Sugar

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Just because we have some different ways of showing our love and just because we have more definite rules in our relationships, doesn’t mean we aren’t lovers. BDSM is full of love, respect and deep caring. I think much more than most vanilla relationships.

We are best friends, confidants, and enjoy every moment together. It’s a joy to be hugged. Not so very different from any vanilla relationship. We have definitely more visible boundaries to be sure. We would be punished for things others can do readily. And those things change from relationship to relationship. In BDSM the rules are different for every relationship. And they are more pronounced.

We are different, but in our differences we find a closer bond. Something that is hard to describe to others. It’s a level of trust that is huge. It’s the realization that a small infraction could tear the whole cloth. It’s the knowledge that you can destroy what took years to build in a lie. So we don’t lie, we don’t need to lie. I may not always like what daddy tells me, but I always love the truth in it. He may not like that I am as brutally honest with him as he is with me, but I have explained that when I give him a compliment or praise it’s never superficial. It’s always from my heart and my truest emotion.

Our bond is special. It’s protection. It’s kind. It’s a million things wrapped up in a pretty red bow with love. It’s who we are in a raw state, with no masks or pretense. It’s two hearts open and loving. It’s fragile and it’s strength is unmeasurable. It’s get in your face but it’s with utter admiration and respect. It’s knowing that it can all be broken with a lie but it’s also knowing that it’s the strongest relationship you’ve even known.

So yes we are all different in this lifestyle. We have different rules. We have different boundaries, but we have strength in our relationships. And love- lots and lots of love.

Happy Valentine’s Day fellow Kinksters. Enjoy our day of outwardly showing love. We are blessed. We are strong.

I love you daddy, with my heart and soul. And I am yours. I am loved and I love deeply. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Kisses and Hugs, ❤️💋❤️💋❤️💋

Sugar

Feeding Your Dominant

Dominants have a very heavy load to carry. They have to care for their submissive(s). They have to lead you, make decisions for you, and be all dom-ly. It’s all after they are dealing with work, children, the dry cleaning, the Walmart line for toilet paper. It’s not always very sexy, or Dom-ly. It’s mundane and rote. It’s dull, it’s important and it’s just not the dom-ly way. So when you see your dominant, what do you do for them? How do you bring them back to being your dominant, your leader, your daddy?

I try hard to ease into my role as his submissive. I tend to use humor, and make him laugh. I try to ease the tension and understand that he’s had a rough week. I am quite a silly baby girl most of the time so it’s pretty easy to make him laugh. If we are lucky enough to be all alone in a private place, I can help him relax, with gentle touches, with allowing him to ease into our dynamic. If we are at a restaurant, I try to carry hand cream and massage his hands. I bring him small gifts, or little surprises, something to remind him that I am his submissive and I am here for him.

I can tell when he is feeling like the world is off his shoulders when he gives out a heavy sigh and he knows I am his once again. He then starts to play with my little, teasing her and making her blush and giggle. I can breathe a sigh of relief and know that things are put in place the way they belong. I am his and he is my daddy. There isn’t any question of how much I adore him or that he is enjoying his position in my life.

It is a sad thing when we finally get into our D/s positions and we have to leave. It brings me to tears all the time. I feel even worse crying because it makes daddy feel even more badly. I try to hold it together and keep my tears to when I’m alone but I suck at doing that. I always say good bye with an I love you daddy. I always want him to remember that I am his, and he’s my daddy and he’s loved so very much. I hug him too long. He knows without a shadow of a doubt how I feel about him.

I am afraid the longer we have been apart the worse it is to get back into our D/s dynamic. He’s had so much to handle in life and I don’t want or need to be one more stressor in his life. I am here to relieve the stress, not add to it. I wish life were easier for us, and we could just be in our roles 24/7, but it’s not possible. We are real people, with real lives.

Find out what your dominant needs to get into his Dom-ly headspace and try to give it to them. Your life with be better, and your relationship will be better and more rewarding if you do that. You know who he is with you. bring out the best in him and allow him to lead and cherish your moments together.

I love you, daddy and to say I can’t wait to see you, is an understatement. Come home soon. I will help you relax and recharge. And center you in the best possible way- by simply allowing you to be you. That is all anyone can ever ask for in life. Being loved for who you truly are.

All my love and devotion,

Sugar

My Submissive

We are not a spectacle, we are real loving breathing people.  I only say this because as we journey through our lives we meet so many people, that just don’t understand our partnership.  I, as a Dom, can not exist without my sub kneeling at my side.  I am also not really in charge, the dynamic is.  I am not allowed to do what I want, when I want.  I am to love, protect, help train and make my submissive the best she/he can be.  The same can be said for the Submissive, her/his life is to protect and serve and help her/his Dom.  I have often said the Sub/Dom partnership is deeper then marriage.  I say this because the trust is deeper, the honesty is also deeper and the risk could be eternal.  When a submissive lays her/his body out for me, it is not just to make love or to play with.  The body is given in trust and acceptance.  She surrenders all of herself without cause or concern.  I am not sure who else would offer such a beautiful gift in such a deep way.  I am respectful of the submissive, I am in Awe of her/his trust.  I marvel at the beauty of the gift she/he freely gives.  I am humbled to her/his true power to serve and protect.  The submissive is a true gift from God.  To love, cherish, protect and honor.  Be forewarned, like a true butterfly a submissive is, not easy to catch and not easy to keep.  The wings are beautiful to the eye and delicate to the touch.  Keep her/him as you should or she/he will surely fly away.

Daddy

What a submissive is NOT—-

So many articles state what a submissive is supposed to be. She is supposed to be obedient, anticipate your needs, be respectful, follow orders, do what you need her to do, etc., but almost no one talks about what she is not.

She is not stupid. She has intelligence and has opinions. She has a good brain and uses it. She may be wired differently from other women but she’s still intelligent and has her own thoughts.

She is not a doormat. She can say no to people, especially people not her dominant. She can ignore or not follow your directions if you’re not her Dom. She doesn’t have to say yes to anyone, but her dominant.

She is not a whore. She may be her dominant’s whore. She may be his slut. That doesn’t mean you will ever get a chance to touch her, without her dominant’s or her permission. She doesn’t just spread her legs for anyone. Actually, she may be more monogamous than most women. She is very much devoted to her dominant and would never cross his orders or wishes.

She is not easily lead. It takes brains and intelligence to lead her. She requires caring, respect, affection, compassion, and kindness (CRACK) to awaken her submission to anyone. She needs to know you have her best interest at heart. She needs to know you have earned the right to her submission.

She does not need inconsistency. She’s much better suited to you and her world being as consistent as possible. Don’t keep changing your rules and guidelines for her. Don’t say yes one day and no the next. You’ll confuse her and will make her feel insecure in her submission. She thrives on consistency. She craves it.

So there are many things a submissive is, but just as many things she is not. Treat her as the unusual and spectacular woman she truly is and you will be rewarded with probably the finest, most loyal, loving woman you have ever come across.

I am proud to be daddy’s very loyal submissive. He has earned my submission and my love. I am his person, his submissive to hold dear to his heart. And he is my Daddy, first and foremost that I follow and he leads me.

I love you, Daddy,

Always and forever,

Sugar